How to get a dalek to lay an egg
by catastrophe26
Summary: Fourteen is up, and pointlessness continues.......
1. Activity 1

C26: Sleep deprivation is a strange thing; they say you can hallucinate, by they I mean the forty dancing pink buffalos that have been following me round for the last few days. I'm trying to write something good so here comes an encyclopaedia of pointlessness entitled…

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part one: Then fun stuff

Activity one (this one involves cling film and that kinky chocolate body spread)

Okay, I was lying about what the entire activity involves; I'll come onto that later. The first activity mainly involves knowledge of repeated sketches in David Walliams and Matt Lucas' repetitive repetitiveness that is Little Britain, a dalek, two rubber ducks and a lot of glue. I won't tell you about it yet, but this is probably the lines of conversation you'll have to use to convince your wheelie bin to do this.

You – "Come on, do it!"

Dalek – "Negative human being, you will be exterminated!"

You - "Aww, I'll be your friend"

Dalek – "What's that?"

You – "Someone who doesn't hate you"

Dalek – "I've always wanted a friend

You – "Really?"

Dalek - "NO!"

You may end up slightly dead but you've convinced your Dalek to do this activity (Yay! Finally this freak's gonna get to the point! – the readers) Now what did I say you needed? Oh yeah, a lot of glue to start off with, first buy 500 tubes of prit stick, and cover your dalek with glue that doesn't usually work, there's no point to it but the end result isn't bad (See picture below by 56 pages, HA! FOOLED YOU!)

Now, kill the arrogant Nancy boy jumped up (THIS WORD WAS CENSORED BECAUSE IT IS TOO RUDE SO UP YOURS READERS YOU LOAD OF ---------!) by the name of James Blunt, only joking, I just felt like writing that.

Now, get your freak who knows too much about little Britain and push him off a bridge (you can do it yourself)

Now, so far you have got no where, and have a dalek covered in glue and two rubber ducks left to complete this activity with, which is completely useless, unless you send a Dalek covered in glue into the mall demanding every copy of hello magazine in the place, yeah, how about that for an activity!

Stick the two rubber ducks to the Dalek's head and send it into a mall demanding every copy of hello magazine, that should do for a first activity, then we'll move on to activity two, that one has random appearances of the words up and down in French!

Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah! Daleks! THEY WILL CONQUER THE EARTH!

END RESULT SCORE: 3/10

NOT EVEN THAT GOOD!

Now to close this activity I will leave you with a prediction of the end of the next Dalek episode

Dalek – WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED DOCTOR, SURRENDUR

Doctor – I'm afraid Daleks your reign of terror is over, for I have this

Dalek – What's that?

Doctor – An antisocial behaviour order, it says you can't stay out beyond 5pm without your parents

Dalek – Tits, well that's our plans foiled, lets throw some stones at a garage door!

Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you


	2. Activity 2

C26: Yes readers, despite your complaints, its back, with more things to do with a dalek if you had one

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part one: Then fun stuff continued

Activity two: (This one involves the death of George Bush and several gallons of milk)

If only it involved the first one! And the several gallons of milk. It does however involve the following items/people: a box of Kleenex tissues, two trees, an elastic band, a merry go round, the words Elton and John, Elvis Presley's corpse and of course, a dalek.

Now take the words Elton and John and mix up the letters to form the word bilzoavye, how you do that is beyond me so don't ask, now here's how to get the words into a Dalek's brain.

Tie it to a chair and stick a magnet to its head, it doesn't do anything but it looks freaky (see picture not included HAHA! MADE YOU LOOK!). Make it watch a film where a human is just standing against a brick wall saying the word bilzoavye over and over again for 5 years, until its all the dalek can say.

Now, tie the elastic band round two trees into a catapult shape and set the Dalek into it, now, leave it there while you go and buy the box of Kleenex tissues, you don't need the tissues, all you need is the box, hang it from the eyepiece so the dalek doesn't know where he is. Now, catapult it into the shop where you got the tissues. This is probably the way the conversation between the dalek and the people will go.

Dalek - My vision is bilzoavye, I cannot bilzoavye

Shopkeeper – Look, just don't kill!

Dalek – You will be bilzoavye, bilzoavye, bilzoavye, bilzoavye! Exterminavye

I know this may seem pointless, but if you send fireworks shooting in behind the demented dalek the results are as follows:

12 psychotic leprechauns appearing out of thin air and scratching all humans to death and yelling "Ohh, you won't get me lucky charms"

A sequel to the movie Hellboy may occur (god help us all)

END RESULT: -1097/10

NOWHERE NEAR AS GOOD AS THE LAST ONE

Here is a clip from the return of the Daleks return

(Shows Rose cowering in fear from a strange shadow)

Rose - Ahh! Doctor who are these mysterious creatures

Doctor (played by Ant or Dec) - ay up, I'm the Doc, and who might you ba

Rose - Doctor

Doctor (dead ringers accent) - Yes, I am the Doctor

Rose - You're doing it again

Doctor - Yes, these are the most evil creatures in the universe, terrifically powerful

Rose - The Daleks?

Doctor - Worse, it's the French

Dalek (French accent) - You vill be Extreimilated Doector

Doctor - stop chucking those snails at me!

Dalek - Make me you poncy Geordie scum!

Thank you ladies, gentlemen, and cybermats and good outnike to you


	3. Activity 3

C26: _Three purple leprechauns, Three purple leprechauns, Three purple leprechauns, Three purple leprechauns, Three purple leprechauns, Three purple leprechaun , _I think I'm going insane

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part one: Then fun stuff (continued yet again)

Activity three: (This one involves carrots, a heavy gauge double barrel shotgun and every letter of the English alphabet except from the following letters: q, w, e, r, t, y, u, I, o, p, a, s, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, z, x, c, v, b and n)

Again I lie in the activity briefing (but have you believed a single letter I've written so far? Really? WELL YOU'RE BLOODY STUPID THEN AREN'T YOU? YOU AREN'T? OH THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO IGNORE YOU FROM NOW ON!) Bloody bugs bunny. Anywho for this activity you will require the following: a blank DVD, several people with the IQ of an aubergine (if you don't know what an aubergine looks like, use a butternut squash) (If you don't know what a butternut squash looks like use an artichoke) (If you don't know what an artichoke looks like you're a complete prat!), a Cornish pasty, fire, scissors, glue and of course your dalek.

Now, to begin with set fire to your dalek, it will complain a bit (play sound bite, WHERE THE HELL'S THE SOUNDBITE? WHY THE censored word ISN'T IT PLAYING? Oh to hell with it)

Dalek – Ahhhhhh! My vision is impaired! I cannot see, there's some sort of red crap covering me! Get it off! Get it off! Or you will be bilzoavyed!

Oh yeah, erase its memory after the last traumatic activity. Anyway in about five years time it should've calmed down and is ready to perform the activity (you might want to keep a copy of its memory on DVD to scare some people CENSOREDless) (You may also be asking why censored word am I using so many brackets, well I don't have a censored wording clue)

Anyway, use it to toast marshmallows for a while until it's hot enough to roast the aubergine/butternut squash/artichoke feed it to the Dalek by squeezing it through the grill thingy into the creature inside (Instructions on how to do this not included! WORK IT OUT YOURSELF!) If it's disgusting enough, the Dalek will go insane and wander the world exterminating people for thousands of years until there are only a handful of people left. By this time you'll be so pissed off with it (If you're not partially dead that it) chuck a Cornish pasty in it and it should recoil in fear.

Anyway, while its recoiling in fear, drench it in glue, slice off its eyestalk with the scissors (this may take several centuries) and push it off Niagara falls. It will be dead and you'll have freed mankind from the terrible reign of the Daleks which will get you a lot of money from the survivors, 20p (or 10 Cents) which will buy you twelve gold carrots on what I will suddenly call "New Earth" which is coincidently the name of first episode of the new Doctor who series.

END RESULT – minus 126890/676535679545678976545678

HOW THE HELL WAS THAT FUN?

And now I will leave you with more jives at Dalek kind which I have probably stolen from somewhere

The Doctor and Rose come to the top of a set of stairs and start running down, when they reach the bottom they look up as the Daleks reach it

Doctor - Oh yeah, they can fly now can't they?

Dalek#1 – Can we fly downstairs?

Dalek#2 – well, what does the script say?

Dalek#1 – can fly downstairs, WHY DOES IT NOT SAY WHETHER WE CAN FLY DOWNSTAIRS?

Cut to the office of Terrance Dicks, Daleks come in

Terrance Dicks – What arw yew doing in herw howibble dawleks?

Dalek#1 - Your speech impediment is funny, now can we fly downstairs?

Terrance Dicks – Um, yes?

Dalek#2 – He is unsure, exterminate the speech impaired git!

That may have been pointless, but I'm out of ideas.

Thank you observing this page that is apparently meant to funny, but probably isn't really.

Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you all

And also, could more people actually review my fic?


	4. Activity 4

C26: I thought about telling you how to get the Dalek to lay an egg, but that'll be the last chapter in the section entitled "TOTALLY MENTAL & SERIOUSLY FREAKY DEAKY CRAPPY STUFF!"

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part one: Then fun stuff (NEARLY OVER!)

Activity Four: (This one involves planting a thermo nuclear device in the Eiffel tower, and the disembowelling of Cliff Richard)

Where you get a thermo nuclear device from is beyond me, anywhoppy, it obviously doesn't involve that as I'm a lying (CENSORD WORD, SO UP YOURS YOU B------s!).

Well, this activity involves a copy of the 1960s doctor who episode Power of the Daleks, twelve lemons, the spirit of Joseph Stalin, a pitchfork, and a joke about herons (for the last time I do not care why he crossed the road!) and finally your dalek.

Right, I may have run out of ideas already, but I'll take a stab at it. Stick a pitchfork into your Dalek's head, it might yell a bit and start spinning round yelling some of the following things (SOUNDBITE ISN'T WORKING REMEMBER? YOU DIDN'T? YOU'RE THICK THEN!)

Dalek – My vision is bilzoavyed, I cannot see!

That may have only been one thing, but just put up with my laziness! Al right? LOOK! AGREE WITH ME ON EVERYTHING OR I'LL BLOODY HAVE YOU! Cough…erm…sorry.

Anyway, picture of Dalek with pitchfork in head not included (Unless you bought the collectors edition box set classic "How to get a Dalek to transform itself into a carrot" which this guide came free with unless you hadn't noticed! YOU DIDN'T?) God how thick are people?

Anyway, tell it a joke about herons, any joke will do, if you can think of one that isn't a complete rip off of the oldest joke in the world about Hitler and his testicles, though what that has to do with herons is beyond me, ignoring that, tell it to the Dalek and you might hear it laugh. This is freaky in itself; it sounds something like the bride of Chucky or Angelica from Rugrats, the most annoying Kids TV show in the universe. This has no point in the activity but it sounds as hippies say "Freaky deaky".

Right, so far you have accomplished nothing at all and have twelve lemons left. Well, I dunno, squeeze them into lemon juice and feed them into the Dalek and it will go nuts and start going round in tiny circles and out the door shouting "Alert! Alert! PAIN!"

If you're lucky it might bump into George Bush and Tony Blair chained to a fountain, naked, and doing very explicit things to each other (And I call this suitable for all? I have sexual references and I call this K rated? What does K stand for anyway? Kid?)

Anyway, now the activity has finished.

END RESULT: 10/10

YEAH! GEORGE BUSH AND TONY BLAIR ARE DEAD!

Overall result of the fun stuff: 5/10

HOW THE (CENSORED) IS THIS FUN? IT'S ALL COMPLETE BULL(censored)

And now I leave you with life in a Dalek ruled world. Here is what would happen at Tom Baker and Lalla Ward's wedding

Tom and Lalla are standing in front of a camera surrounded by Daleks, one standing behind a camera.

Dalek#1 – You will say cheese

Tom – Why should I?

Dalek#1 – You will say cheese or you will be exterminated

Dalek#2 – What does this cheese mean?

Dalek#1 – Cheesy is a description of a person

Dalek#2 - What? Like Ricky Gervais?

Dalek#1 – Affirmative

I will only be content with lots of reviews and David Blaine's head on a plate

Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you


	5. Activity 5

C26: okay, I upped the rating to K, and I have no clue what, now on to the next part…

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part two: The freaky deaky crap

Activity five: (This one proves that Daleks are closely related to the fat pie machine Jack Chirac even though I can't remember who the hell he is!)

Really, I can't. Anywhopaloo, this activity is at a glance pretty bizarre, even though I have no clue what I'm going to force you to do now, I don't plan this out, I make it up as I go along YOU THOUGHT I ACTUALLY PUT TIME AND EFFORT INTO THIS? WELL YOU'RE THE THICKEST PERSON HERE THEN AREN'T YOU? AREN'T YOU COLIN BAKER! Now scuttle back to your realm of unending torment and I'll explain what this activity involves.

To start with you'll need two porcupines (I don't care what the poofy environmentalists, who talk absolute CENSORED most of the time say, just do it or I'll tell my mumofyou as those annoying 4 year olds say) right, where were we? Oh yeah, a copy of the Concise French dictionary (IN COLOUR!), the movie Titanic, a big long stick used for poking stuff with and (INSERT WORD/S MEANING "and of course" HERE) your dalek.

Firstly cover your dalek in tin foil, I know I didn't mention it earlier but do you really think I wouldn't lie to you? Really? Wow, somebody likes me. When the Dalek is covered in foil, it will look something like a cross between Marvin the paranoid android and, erm… a Dalek covered in foil. If you want to order this picture then write your name in the form at the bottom, cut it off, send it to us and we'll hunt you down and push you off a bridge because we don't have a picture, and we don't like complaints, and there's only one of me so why do I keep referring to me as we?

Anywap, leave the eye uncovered so the Dalek can see, now, place it in front of a TV and use magnets to hold it in place somehow (or rope, or something, I dunno), Anywap, its forced to stare at the TV. Now, make it continuously watch the film "The Titanic" for the next 3 weeks until it comes out yelling something along these lines….(NO SOUNDBITE REMEMBER ALL EIGHT OF YOU READING THIS?)

Dalek – Exterminate Leonardo di Caprio, the poof must be destroyed

Hopefully it will run off to find the git (Did I just say run off, I'm talking about a Dalek here WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?" OH (CENSORED) I'M TURNING INTO MATT GROENING!

Does that even make sense? Oh well, the Dalek will infiltrate Leonardo di caprio's pit of doom which he refers to as his house and will exterminate the bugger for good. Now, the activity could be over with that but you've got to subdue the dalek so he's ready for the next activity (Yes, you are meant to do all these activities in one lifetime. You may wind up dead about four or five thousand times, but apart from that you shouldn't have much problem)

Hit the Dalek with the dictionary (IN COLOUR) the white and blue colours should confuse it and it will circle the area for a while yelling

Dalek – My vision is bilzoavyed, why am I seeing blue and white?

Now, go to the zoo and steal two porcupines and throw them at the Dalek. It won't do anything and the dalek will still be going on its killing spree, but godammit, it was fun. Once the Dalek reaches the top of a very tall building (preferably 2000 miles tall) you can finally put an end to the carnage by…. Shooting it with a shotgun, I'm not thaat repetitive.

END RESULT – 1/10

THAT WASN'T THAT FREAKY DEAKY!

And now I leave you with a though, what if Daleks developed sympathy for other, less privileged Daleks, they will form the charity concert exterminade

Dalek#1 – LET'S SEE THOSE PLUNGERS IN THE AIR!

Dalek#2 – GIVE US UR F ING MONEY NOO!

Bill Gates – thank you everybody and please welcome DIDO!

Dalek#1: HE MUST BE EXTERMINATED!

Thank you, you hateful people and ood goutnike to you


	6. Activity 6

C26: Someone tell me joke about herons, I lead an unexciting life waiting for her to ring back. Who is her you may ask? Educational secretary Ruth Kelly of course, I phoned to ask why she sounds like that green thingy that lives in a dustbin from Sesame Street

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part two: The freaky deaky crap

Activity six: (This one involves popcorn (The cinema sweet brand) several lamp posts, a duck and some pudding (Any sort will do)

LIES! ALL LIES! LIES! Do you trust me? Thought not, you're right to! Now you believe not to trust me, good, you're learning! WHAT D'YOU MEAN YOU DON'T LEARN? WHY NOT? GO ON! TELL ME ELIJAH WOOD! Never has there been such an appropriate name for an actor. Anywhopagipalopagh, away from my enlightened visions about Elijah wood's death involving sheep and hundreds of tonnes of dynamite. On with the activity!

This time we will need the following pieces of crap: Will Young, several eggs, a blow torch, one of those freaky plastic gloves that doctors wear when performing operations on guinea pigs, concrete (I don't care where you get it from, if you do care where I get concrete from and want to know where I get concrete from, feel free to send countless questions and more to the email address I will not be providing at the end of the activity SO UP YOURS SUCKERS!) Cough…where were we? Oh yeah, twelve PC world sales assistants, giant worms and finally after all that your dalek. (Oh yeah, two spoons required for eating Elijah Wood's brains)

To start with stretch the plastic glove over the Dalek's eyestalk, it may yell a bit (I can't be bothered to insert a sound bite, you all know what crap a Dalek spouts when it can't see) once its calmed down in eleventy ten years time. After all that waiting by which you should have died, but you never know, you might get lucky. Take the Dalek to a quarry and chuck it in a ditch, then fill the ditch in with concrete (YOURSELF! I DON'T WANT SOME LAZY CENSORED GETTING AWAY WITH HIRING SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT! YOU DO IT YOURSELF WITH A SPOON (the other you will need to eat Elijah wood's brains with) NOW WORK!) it may take several more centauries of slave labour we're putting you lucky people through. Once finished that will be that….

That activity was way too short.

Okay, as a continuation, in celebration of finally ridding yourself of the troublesome dalek for good, go and kidnap twelve PC world sales assistants and feed them to the giant worms very slowly while they ask you why the manager told you to do this.

Make sure to record their screams using a microphone if you can afford one after buying all that concrete (Or stealing it, depending on whether you're a cheapskate or not cough… my parents…cough) Play the scream to yourself for one whole millennium until you are fed up. So go and eat Elijah Wood's brains for a relaxing end to the activity.

END RESULT - -1097507640876/1234679754345678432367

BET YOU CAN'T READ THAT NUMBER OUT LOUD!

And now I leave you people with another glimpse into Dalek life

(Open onto "the X factor, the jumped up freak Simon Cowell is standing on stage, there are hundreds of Daleks in the audience)

Simon Cowell - Before you all get bored of me talking like the freak I am, here you have dalek#1

Dalek#1 – Thank you. I have spent my life exterminating mean, women, children, fashion designers, politicians, and now I'd like to exterminate a famous song

Audience – OH NO!

Dalek#1 – _is this the real life, is this just fantasy_

Audience – Kill him now!

Dalek#1 – Erm… stuck in the middle with you

Audience – Exterminate!

Thank you for having patience to read such a crappy chapter, but I'm running low on ideas, thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you.


	7. Activity 7

C26: It sucks living in Britain. Early in the morning when I am forced to stand semi naked in the middle of a field and kick a ball around to other moronic spuds who tell me to enjoy it, then in the afternoon the sun is horribly boiling and blinds me where I stand, yes I'd move to another country if I had the chance, but I can't because not only am I an annoyed person, I'm also a lazy bastard so there.

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part two: The freaky deaky crap

Activity seven: (This one involves a barrel of toxic waste David Blaine gitwizard's head on a plate, some sort of fish and a cup of tea)

Why do other countries always associate the English with a cup of tea and Fish and Chips, I mean, the French call us "le rossbeef" because they can't say the words Roast and Beef, Roast Beef doesn't even symbolise us, lots of countries eat it! Okay, I'll stop pointing and laughing at the French now…. Bloody frogs legs….

Anywhopajsldjhfmnfif, on with the most painstakingly dull chapter yet in which I insult the sport Cricket in every way, since our school recently bought a wide screen TV so we could see what it looks like, if that doesn't show education is lowering, what does?

Anyway, for this activity you will require the following dead things: Peter Andre's career (OOPS! THE GIT TOLD ME NOT TO SAY THAT!) a copy of the movie "The brave little toaster" on DVD mainly because it is the strangest film ever, cupcakes, a cyberman, a boxing ring, a sub machine gun, special super happy fun Dalek treats (these are mainly just PEOPLE but with a different name), and of course your Dalek.

This will be fun as you know I have mentioned a cyberman. You may take a while to gain control of a boxing ring. My suggestion is to go into the boxing ring just as one is about to finish off the other. Go up into the commentator's box, kill him somehow, I suggest you stuff him with cupcakes, their one main use. And when one has killed the other yell into the microphone "I apologise people, this boxer has failed, this organisation does not tolerate failure" in a Dr No style voice, then call your terrorist armies to infiltrate the place and "escort" the people attending out. When I say terrorists, you could use anyone, bin Laden's men, or the happy terrorists of the IRA that robbed that bank, or did they? Yes they did, and then they murdered that Catholic man, that Republican Catholic man. But apparently we aren't at war with them anymore so I'll just keep my mouth shut until they come after me.

Now you should have gained control of the arena, in which you should put your Dalek and your cyberman, now for the Doctor who fan boy's dream! Watch as the dalek and the cyberman beat each other to death, I don't know how a Dalek does this as it has no hands unless it tries to suck the cyberman's face off. After about ten years they should still be fighting and you will be as bored as hell, so watch "the brave little toaster" non stop for another thousand years until the Dalek has finally killed the cyberman because Daleks rule! By this time your form should be taken as a disembodied head in a jar (like Michael Jackson will be…. Soon) ready to rule the universe like those freaky aliens in that strange movie that I can't remember the name of. Now you are just a head the Dalek might try and kill you, but if you offer it a super happy fun Dalek treat that originally had the name "Alex denisof" (Y'know, that guy out of Buffy/Angel) then it might accept it and join forces with you to conquer the world using exploding telephones.

END RESULT – minus ninety ten thousand and pizza/1089696968658697

GOOD? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING!

And now I leave you with blah, blah, blah, YOU KNOW THE DRILL BY NOW!

Dalek#1 – I was created on the planet Skaro by my father Davros, though I exterminated the lying bastard for no apparent reason. Then I travelled the galaxy exterminating small children and the spirit of Madonna, twice, then I settled down and had kiddie Daleks with my Dalek wife Mrs Dalek. I needed a good store of money, that's why my card is American express! YOU WILL USE AMERICAN EXPRESS OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!

Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you.


	8. Activity 8

C26: I've had a really crap day today, which is strange as I'm writing this on a Saturday. I know this is a K+ fic but I feel like using the S word. Seeing as I've had such a bloody (CENSORED) day I really want to say it, but I can't because I don't want this ending up a T rated fic. Oh hell, I'll say it, I'VE HAD A SHI…. Day today! Hah! I your face administrators! I didn't say (CENSORED) so you can't take me off!

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part two: The freaky deaky crap (GOD! WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END?)

Activity Eight: (This one involves suggestions as to the pointlessness of actually trying to save that Whale that was stuck in the Thames)

Unless you aren't from good old crappy England you will have heard that a Whale swam up the river and got stuck. If this happens the Whale is as good as dead, it will have received Brain damage and has a chance of surviving in the wild at about nil. And the headline in the newspapers the next day "THE WHALE THEY COULDN'T SAVE!" Does anyone else know how stupid the English public are? Look at me, I've insulted just about everything so far and I'm only on activity eight. Anyhop on with the activity.

This one will involve the following things that I don't really like: Everything, no wait, that leaves too much variety, okayp, I'll start again. Annoying TV theme tunes like that one from "the sopranos", Christopher Eccleston, Billie Piper's hat (in the sense that Billie Piper doesn't wear a hat, a dodo egg, a nuclear missile, the country of Ecuador, Mosquitoes and the last living fox and of course your Dalek.

Some of you might have noticed something, yes, the last living fox, people are always saying how evil fox hunting is, and to an extent I agree with them, but this is just what you'll need for an activity. Now, take the knife and slaughter every fox in the entire world except for one (this may take several centuries, you may do this while drunk/fatally injured/stoned it doesn't really matter but will help in your court case "Why I slaughtered the world population of foxes except this one that I've named fifi)

There is no point but if you do take over the world one day, stroke a fox instead of a white cat, be imaginative.

Now with the pointless (CENSORED) out of the way you will need to feed Billie Piper's imaginary hat to Christopher Eccleston. If the hat actually exists (which everyone knows it doesn't) then Eccleston will go completely insane and start slaughtering people. Once he's reached America and murdered every member of the U.N use the TV themes to try and subdue him. You'll know when he's subdued because he'll be rolling around on the floor spouting the usual crap that he says when he isn't playing the Doctor.

Now take him and the Dalek to Ecuador and pit them in a robot wars style battle (yes! Taunt them with Phillipa Forrester in a vest and leather trousers (the only BBC soft porn that actually exists except their soft core adult channel C-boobies))

Now go to an American Nuclear missile station, infiltrate it using hundreds of mosquitoes to make the guards run off screaming for no apparent reason. Gain control of it and fire a nuclear missile at Ecuador, by which time Christopher Eccleston should just be a bloody lump of flesh on the floor and the Dalek will start killing people again until the missile hits. The explosion might blow half of the planet to pieces but don't worry people will thank you…eventually….in fifteen….thousand….million….billion….trillion….years. Or maybe never, I dunno.

END RESULT – PORK PIE/TWENTY YOK

HUH?

And now I will leave you will a strange look at Dalek life

Dalek#1 – welcome to the late night TV. Now for desperate Daleks who want you BADD!

First advert

Mrs Dalek jr – YOU WILL de-PLUNGER ME!

Jordalek – YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME! YOU WILL want me or YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED!

Kiddie Dalek – MUMIE, WHAT IS THIS PICTURE OF YOU WITH NO CASING ON?

Jordalek – DON'T MIND JR, YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU TURN 18000!

And if you remember what that was parodying, you weren't really there

Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you


	9. Activity 9

C26: Now, I suppose all two of my loyal readers are pissed off that I haven't updated in God knows how long, well tough, I was just feeling so (CENSORED) at the time, plus I had my leg in a cast for 3 (CENSORED) WEEKS! Anyway, I'm back now so make way for the final two installments of the freaky deaky crap

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part two: The freaky deaky crap (And after all this time)

Activity 9: (This one involves whoever happens to be in the vicinity when the Rapture comes next Tuesday, doughnuts, and a larger amount of pornography than the mind can comprehend)

Just kidding about next Tuesday, the rapture will really come next Thursday. Anyway by this point in the activities (Yes, I did already tell you you're supposed to do all this in just one lifetime) the year should be 2567 right about when the Cybermen should invade yet again, only to be scared off by a fat old bloke with a bucket of popcorn flavoured hammers. Anywholajioo.

Your Dalek should now be mentally traumatised. I would insert a soundbite of what it sounds like but you should know what sort of (The next word should be censored, but it won't be) shi... (sponsored by cutting you co.) t a Dalek spouts when it's mental.

Dalek: Ahhhhhhh...out of control...alert...alert...pain

This activity will involve a saucer (No not a dalek saucer, a plate kind) a mug of tea, Wallace and Gromit, several versions of the movie "cannibal space pirates star in crappy film" or serenity to normal people that hate it. A PSP, several lego bricks and a keyboard.

Now, take your lego bricks and build a toilet, now flush all those versions of ultra crap fest serenity down it, this actually has no point in the activity, its just me wasting some pages talking about sod all wishing I had an original idea in my brain, oh, its time for a new paragraph

Now go and have tea with Wallace and Gromit and your Dalek may grow an addiction to cheese, if you have never heard of Wallace and Gromit you are a sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad human being. By the end of this you can shove cheese through the Dalek grill thing and the creature inside should go mad from the smell and yell something about how crap starbucks is and the meaning of life is all about peanuts.

I can't explain why it will do this, but if we did now we will probably learn the true ultimate answer to life itself and discover that Douglas Adams was god incarnate. Am I talking endless crap here or do you want me to go on? You want me to go on? Opps you can't answer cos I'm already writing this! I will continue.

Grab that PSP and throw it at the Dalek, this won't do anything as your Dalek should be mentally incapable of free thought, but hopefully the PSP will break)

Now push your Dalek out of the door and take half way across the world to Japan where it will count every robot as its enemies and go on a killing spree, not an original idea I know, but does anyone have any other suggestions? No? I thought so!

Now, after a few years it should have calmed down and you should be able to use your keyboard to de program it and turn it into a vegetable. Possibly a carrot, eat it and you will need to have major surgery if you are to complete the next activity.

END RESULT

UWE BOLL/HAMBURGERS

HOW IN GOD'S NAME IS THIS A DECENT ACTIVITY?

And now a continuing in depth analysis of the Dalek's mind

Dalek lying on a couch next to a psychiatrist

Dalek: AND THAT WAS WHEN I REALISED MY CREATOR DAVROS HAD BEEN MOLESTING MY UNBORN CHILDREN

Psychiatrist: Hmm, this is very interesting

Dalek: MY WIFE MRS DALEK WENT AND EXTERMINATED HIM

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The next update won't be as far away as this one was but I'm attempting to get this its own website and possibly audio show!

Thank you you hateful people and good outnike to you


	10. Activity 10

C26: I know last time I said I was going to do 2 final instalments of Freaky deaky but then I realised I only did 4 activities under the Fun stuff so make way a new section!

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part two: The freaky deaky crap

Part three: The stuff that could have been fun if it wasn't so crap

Activity ten: (This one involves bus stops and super intelligent shades of the colour blue)

Wow! A new section! This one will be better than the last and will include how to get a Dalek to lay an egg…only kidding; it will be a movie with some shagging in it! And a tank!

Now, this activity involves the following items which aren't that funny: Ricky Gervais (WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE HIM?) a teapot, that film with some shagging in it + a tank (You can think of whatever it is yourself, anything with that jumped up git George Cloony innit) you might also need a sharp stick with Uwe Boll skewered on the end for warding off people who want you to stop your reign of terror.

Now, take a sponge (I haven't mentioned this because I lie too often) and wash the blood off your Dalek from the last few activities, this may take several centuries but by the end of it the shine of the dalek may blind all that look at it, so when the entire world has gone blind (I'm just nicking this from Day of the triffids aren't I?) then you can steal Ricky Gervais and plant a bomb under him, say to all the world leaders that if they promise to give you a teapot by midnight you will promise to blow him up.

Once you have possession of the teapot go to a space station and smash the teapot over the head of NASA and take control of the facility (Threaten to kill them by making them watch the film with shagging and a tank innit, or you could just ward them off with Uwe Boll on a stick, he may try and make them give him a Oscar for House of the crap, um, House of the dead) now send your Dalek into space.

Now, so far your Dalek is in space and you have nothing left to complete the activity, brilliant, um…what could you do next…hmmm…..give me a minute….

END RESULT

GEORGE BUSH/CHOCOLATE

WHAT THE FU (CENSORED) CK WAS THAT?

And now we leave you with a glance into Dalek lifestyle

Open on the Jerry Springer show

Jerry Springer – Today we're talking to a mother of four who divorced her husband Mr Dalek

Wife – yes, well he always wanted to exterminate my kids

Dalek – OH SHUT UP WOMAN! YOU NEVER STOP TALKING! THAT'S WHY YOU NEED TO BE EXTERMINATED!

Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you


	11. Activity 11

I've just been watching "The shining", the 1980 film by Stan Kubrick, not the crap TV mini series. And now I'm just like….whoa! So forgive me if this chapter is strange and I wander away from to subject a bit. So, who wants to know how many fingers I have? He, he, he, he, he BWHAHAHAHA!

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part three: The stuff that could have been fun if it wasn't so crap

Activity ten: (This one involves scissors, glue, and mini cheddars, Y'know those ones you can get down at the supermarket in that isle with all those tubes of Pringles, mm, some Pringles would be good right now, they're just so crunchy and…what? Oh right, back onto the subject)

Now, this activity is very special and d'you know why? Because in this activity you will finally know the answer to the question which has been bugging you since you started reading this. That's right, how to get a dalek to…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

…………………………………………………………………………………………

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…………………………………………………………………………………………

Give me a minute………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………How to get a Dalek drunk.

Come on, who hasn't wondered and tried it? In this activity you will need the following idiots: George Bush Jr + Sr, just kidding, you will actually need them. You will also need five pink pixies, wolverine, several months of your time, yeast, a bathtub, five packets of digestive biscuits and a lot of alcohol.

Now then……um…..er…..seriously I'm out of ideas already. Now you need to summon the five pixies by offering your soul to the dark lord Dracula (Wait, he's the prince of darkness, and the dark lord is…) Okay offer your soul to harpies, and by harpies I mean Britney Spears, God know what she'll do with it, probably torment some of her idiotic fans with it (seriously if you are a fan of Britney spears you are stupid).

Once she has summoned the pixies from hell order them to fly you over to the white house and kidnap George Bush, just threaten him with fictional weapons of mass destruction and he will probably declare war on whatever country has them so say they are stored in warehouses on Mars making George Bush declare war on Mars and says to the public that God will make go there (him talking crap again).

Anyway this will start an intergalactic war against the Ice warriors. What on Skaro this has to do with getting a Dalek drunk is beyond me, but have I followed any sort of plan so far. If you say yes I'll bloody have you!

Anyway, the Ice warriors will start prohibition on earth because they need the alcohol to power their super fun happy war machines of doom. Use your yeast in a bath tub and use your pixie's magical powers to turn it into alcohol. Feed this to your dalek (use a funnel) and it will probably make it malfunction and start yelling stuff like:

Dalek – Alert! Alert! Pain!

Hopefully it will explode and you will have to get some loony scientists to put it back together again before the next activity.

END RESULT

FLOOJIP/ZWING ZWANG

WHAT?

And now I leave you with life in a dalek world of advertising

Dalek is standing behind the Heinz baked beans logo which is now the shape of a dalek head

Dalek – WHEN I GET HOME FROM SCHOOL, MY NON BIOLOGICAL MOTHER FIGURE ALWAYS MAKES IT NECESSARY TO GIVE ME WHAT I LIKE MOST WHICH MEANS A GOOD HOT PLATE OF SMALL CHILDREN!

Thank you, you hateful people and oood goutnike to you


	12. Activity 12

C26: I can't think of anything clever to say here so just pretend I did, and pretend it was funny

Sorry I haven't updated in a while, got a lot of (CENSORED) going on right now, I don't know why I don't just uncensor words and change the rating to R, oh yeah I Wanna keep this commercial

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part three: The stuff that could have been fun if it wasn't so crap

Activity twelve: (this one involves corn flakes, the third letter of the word beef and the breath of a horse)

Right, I'm just gonna get straight to the point (Oh yeah, queue the naked ladies, R rating for me!) okay, ignore my sexual fantasies, on with the point (Oh yeah, oh yeah, uh huh!) Cough…erm…sorry…where was I? Iceland? Really.

Crap supermarket, right on with the (THIS WORD IS CENSORED BUT JUST A HINT IT BEGINS WITH F)ing point. In this activity you will require the following: nudity (AHHHHH! HAHAHA!) Okay, seriously I'm deranged, you will require: an army of pink racoons, spray paint (Any colour will do), those little beads they sell down at Woolworths or was that a dream? Anyway you will also need a lot of cream, rubber ducks, the contents of the Atlantic Ocean and Charlton Heston (what was he thinking?) And so I won't get this fic taken off I will have to include more Doctor who crap, you will need a Dalek, the thirteenth doctor and a pop idolish contest.

Right, seeing as there is no thirteenth Doctor yet you will need to set up the pop idolish contest, what should we call it? I know! Who's da idol? In which thousands of contestants are judged on how wrong their dress sense is, how nerdy they are, and whether they hate Colin Baker or not. Meanwhile you might need to kill David Tennant. If you want a thirteenth Doctor you can't have the tenth one floating aboot in time and space killing your powerful mysterious cyber-parrots of doom!

Once David tenant's entrails are removed head back to the contest and the mixed up prat Charlton Heston has won it. There are no possibilities, he will win it. So you know what to do! What have I been telling you to do so far? SHOOT HIM FOOL!

Once the eleventh Doctor is dead and the contest continues for the twelfth Doctor you will need to shoot the winner but before you do that you will need to take over every cream manufacturer in the world, use your Dalek seeing as its either dead or very bored with being ignored for the entire activity.

Dalek: HAND OVER YOUR CREAM FACTORY OR YOU WILL BE BILZOAVYED!

Once done use your army of tireless pink racoons to empty the entire contents of the Atlantic Ocean. I don't know how you will do this as all oceans are connected anyway, but use your strange hippie Ice warrior powers to freeze the entire world now force your Dalek at gunpoint to transfer the cream over to fill the ocean using it sucker. This could take one hundred billion years but once the ocean is full of cream coloured cream it will be satisfying. During those years you should finally have your thirteenth doctor, and fourteenth, fifteenth, sixteenth, seventeenth………….endlessness.

Even though time lords can only regenerate 13 times.

Anyway, force your Doctor and Dalek to fill the ocean with rubber ducks, then watch them both have an ultimate fight on rubber ducks across the Atlantic ocean, it will end with your Dalek falling in the cream and drowning to death. If the other way round and the thirteenth doctor dies then, good, more Dalek fun,ness for many activities to come in the self created guide to pointlessness!

You can tell this was written by Terrance Dicks

My view of the Dalek world is on the Fritz, it may be out of ideas, so just be thankful and wait for activity 13 (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)

Thank you, you hateful people and Good outnike to you!


	13. Activity 13

C26: Right, I may already be out of ideas after the first word but in this chapter you will see me insulting rap music (I wouldn't even pay 50 cents for it) ba doom boom chi! Crap pun I know but then again, I listen to metal. I have spoon stapled to my ear right now (ba doom boom chi!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THE PUNS ARE COMING!

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part three: The stuff that could have been fun if it wasn't so crap

Activity thirteen: (This one involves the numbers 666, 667, and 7, the master, PUNS! And playdough)

Funnily enough this does actually centre around playdough (OH MY GOD! HE DECIDED NOT TO LIE TO US! - my fictional readers) ……………..Just kidding.

In this activity I will be torturing queer people who think that Little Britain is still funny (I laugh at Matt Lucas and his hilariously bald head!) Tom Baker deserves better.

Now then, where was I? Ah yes, you will require the following things that should have died ages ago: Lost the TV show (Criticise me! OH I'M SO SCARED! IT'S SOOO BORING!), now, really, you will require: The Master's head, Davros, George bush, biscuits (Ideally hobnobs), a cup of tea, some crap songs (anything by Beyonce will do, and I don't care if I spelt it wrong, bloody paperclip) cheese, a sponge and some giant (CENSORED) up space spiders fro metebilis 3, oh yeah, your dalek.

Right, what was I writing again? Oh that's right, the last chapter of George Bush's autobiography.

And so next month I will invade Iran, they must have some oil somewhere. Then there's that school fundraiser I have to organise. Now I have to remember that the school thing is not about oil. HAHAHAHA! It's so hard not to giggle when you say that….what? Oh the pink space pigs are calling me BWHAHA!

And so ends the life of a miserable failure

Right, let's get on with it (I dare anyone to count how many times I have used the word "right" so far in this entire fic)

Kidnap George Bush and feed him biscuits for hours until he begs for mercy (they must have been digestives then) once he is crazed feed him to the master's head and then weld that onto Davros' shoulder. This has no point in the activity, I'm just talking endlessly so to fill up the rest of the space left. Right, about 200 words left, oh here's a new paragraph!

Now play the crap songs while your Dalek and Davros battle in big arena type thingy until the giant spiders invade the planet in 3245, I know this doesn't actually happen in a Doctor Who episode, I'm just making it up. (HENCE THE WORD FICTION! DUHH!)

Once both Dalek and Davros are crushed the spiders will rule the world and everything will die! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!

And the cup of tea? Well that's for you to drink after performing all this weird (CENSORED) I've forced you into doing so far.

I know I said I would do another 200 words but seeing as I've only done 104, so I'll just repeat the next 89

Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why,

Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why,

Why, Why, Why, Why, Why,

There, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M ASKING WHY BUT, WHO CARES?

Thank you, you hateful people and good outnike to you


	14. Activity 14

C26: Hello you lucky grateful people who will send me lots of review….yes….BWHAHAHA!

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How to get a Dalek to lay an egg & 33 other things to do with one, 28 of which are impossible even if you had an actual Dalek

Part three: The stuff that could have been fun if it wasn't so crap

Activity fourteen: (This involves me not explaining what this activity involves and leaving you to work it out for yourself…..oh alright it involves staples and paperclips)

I this activity I will use over expressive similes. The most expressive simile I have ever thought up is the following: "Dawn broke over the barren wasteland like I sicked up sunny delight"

I will mention that simile at random points… what? Oh I'm not on the Jerry Springer show anymore? Oh right…oh yeah, the activity!

This activity will involve the following useless things: 99.99 of George Bush's brain (And I quote "90 of our imports come from outside our country" and if that's not bad enough "God help America") you will also require: several hospitals, Bill Gates' dog (In the sense Bill Gates does not own a dog, I don't know this for certain I'm just making excuses to open brackets, oh Its time to close them now)

Five chickens, one hundred and twelve packets of bread mix and the question "Why don't bananas come in tins?" you will also need my own garden shed (where my Garden shed Is I won't tell you, do you really think I'm stupid enough to put my address on the internet, everyone who reads this crap probably lives in America anyway) you might need your Dalek if I remember what this fic is about

First replace your Dalek's brain with the 99.99 of George Bush's brain but leave about 0.01 of the Dalek brain which will try and reason with the Bush's brain but stupidity always triumphs over common sense so the Dalek will order everyone in the world to invade Iran and steal their oil, if any reporter asks why it is doing this the Dalek will tell reporters that "Them wot lives ere knows, and God told me he saw it on the internet"

Now is your moment to point and jeer at me………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….………………………………………………………………………………………….

Right, cover the Dalek in bread mix and get your chickens to peck it off, by which time the Dalek will be dented beyond belief, either that or just get the dog to lick the bread mix off. I have no clue what to do next, but I think you can tell I'm just talking endlessly which is what I've been doing for the last twelve and a half chapters (Yes I put some effort in during the first half of activity 1)

Now, so far George Bush should be…himself, the 99.99 of Dalek brain will have lost to the 0.01 of Bush's brain because its IQ is amazingly in minus figures, the Dalek and Bush will team up to try and conquer the world.

Wait, this isn't good….OH MY GOD!

END RESULT (Which I have noticed missed earlier, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?)

-67/FLOOJIP

WHY?


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